Automaton

Google came back with this result when I looked up Automaton: “a moving mechanical device made in imitation of a human being.” and “a machine that performs a function according to a predetermined set of coded instructions, especially one capable of a range of programmed responses to different circumstances.” That sounds like the subconscious toContinue reading “Automaton”

Snow Is Black

It might as well be because then it would have been color coordinated with my mood on Christmas yesterday. I spent most of the day in bed because I felt worthless. Nothing like the holidays to bring up thoughts, feelings and emotions you didn’t remember having or that even existed. Nothing like a couple ofContinue reading “Snow Is Black”

Roller Coaster

I’ve never been diagnosed with manic-depressive disorder but I seem to suffer from mood regulation issues. Out of the “blue”, I’ll get depressed – no matter what is going on in my life. The “episodes” usually last one or two days, sometimes longer, regardless of how happy I “should” be. I can’t shake the darkContinue reading “Roller Coaster”

Split Personality

I love myself.                                               I hate myself. I think I’m smart.                                         I’m a fucking idiot. I see and understand the truth.                   God sucks. Life sucks. I suck. Everyone sucks. Hate and rage are a waste of time.             I hate, I resent, I want to break something. Good alwaysContinue reading “Split Personality”

Responsibility

Where does self accountability and responsibility for oneself begin and end? How much belongs to others? It revolves around free will or choice, I believe, but a good portion of our choices are motivated by conditioning or come from the subconscious which in turn may be influenced by our genetics. Those aspects of ourselves areContinue reading “Responsibility”

Like Broken Glass

I feel fragile right now; transparent and easily cracked. Like a well-engineered glass sculpture or building that has been compromised, I need to close temporarily for repairs. Less than a week ago, radicalized Trump supporters overran our nation’s Capitol and threatened our Democracy like we haven’t seen in our lifetimes – nor have our Grandparents.Continue reading “Like Broken Glass”

The Imposter Is Me

Remember how, at the end of the movie The Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis finds out he’s been dead all along? Can you imagine the shock of finding out something about yourself that is a total game changer? I had an epiphany yesterday. I realized for the first time in my life that I am anContinue reading “The Imposter Is Me”

Contents Under Pressure

I’ve been reading Eckhart Tolle lately and he talks about the pain body.  It’s basically a sort of being that is a part of you that feeds off of emotion. I find the concept plausible and fascinating and I like metaphors. My pain body is obese. It has plenty to eat. A whole smorgasbord, openContinue reading “Contents Under Pressure”

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